Sunday, July 31, 2005

Diary stuff

Well, its been a good couple of weeks. Way back when I went to the house of Merkin for a Barbie. Ate more meat than is wise, drunk, talked sport with Stav, drunk. There was a lunatic neighbour with a healthy disregard to the firework code heh heh, pretty good night. Strange week. Doing lots of meaningless stuff at work. Difficult to motivate myself as its crap but it needed doing and there is only so much solitaire you can play. Saw the lovely lisa. mmmm. lots of flirting but deep down we both remember why it was not good so I'm still single. Had a family do last weekend. Dave's 60'th. So my bro was there with his lovely wife and evil children (its like the good the bad an the ugly except you replace the good with the stupid). Lost every bet with my bro except the cricket/tree bet. The kids were pretty upset that we lost all the balls but it was for a big 10p. My lovely sis in law gave me a haircut (from 70's hippy to Hitler youth in five but it was free). And lots of other family that I may be related to and who's company I enjoyed, including some rather attractive girls. My sis, Lynn, was looking very desirable but for some reason prefers her intellegent, attractive and healthy Danish boyfriend to me and so still refuses to let me tie her up and spank her. (not quite incest as she's my first step mothers third husbands daughter by his first wife, but it would count in the list of sins achieved I'm sure). Anyhow, I had a really good time and thats all that's important. Then this week. I blew out Fuller on the cycling twice (fat and guilty as a result) and got good and drunk more than was wise. Not overly healthy.
So, for those monitoring my diet. I have gone from being 15 stone on a good day to 15 stone on a bad day. However, I'm miserable a lot of the time. I am really going to have to decide if being fat is not as bad as being on a diet. (ok, seen myself naked in the mirror. Fat is real bad).

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

And if you thought pig diving was unusual....

Yup, someone has attempted a new world record for ... (wait for it) ...Fish exhaling ???

G P Vijaya Kumar swallowed 509 small fish through his mouth and blew them out of his nose within one hour, reports The Asian Age. Why you may ask. Well apparently he was inspired by American Kevin Cole who holds the record for the longest spaghetti strand blown out of a nostril in a single blow. So that makes sense then.

Actually, this whole site is rather strange. Did you know for instance that:
A bar of soap made from fat pumped from Italian PM Silvio Berlusconi has been sold for £10,000.
A Chinese man pulled a car with his ears while walking on eggs without breaking them.
and indeed
A cow is living on top of a ten storey building in Santiago in a work of performance art.

I fear I may have slipped into some sort of alternate reality.

Monday, July 25, 2005

Good will Prevail

Pig Diving ???

I was perusing Australia's Herald Sun website as you do and I learn of an exciting new world record attempt. yup. Pig Diving. I assumed it was a variation on the well know friday night sport played by desperate single men with ugly women. But no, its real pigs jumping off diving boards. And at the Darwin show a brave pig will attempt the 5m platform for the first time. Presumably this is a specially trained diving pig and not just some crazed ozzie farmer pushing a pig off a 5m board. I only hope we have allowed for this exciting new event in our 2012 olympic plans.

Other interesting features include Eddie the Eel(named after a jack russel he consumed)eats a goose and the long awaited repeal of anti witchcraft legislation in Victoria. What can I say. In this age of hate and scaremongering its nice to see that quality family journalism is alive and well.

Stuck in the office

My Colleague Racheal is on maternity leave so I have moved to her desk. Although further from the vending machine its in a corner where no one can really tell what your doing, providing you don't actually snore. So, I'm sitting here playing with a small plastic yak, an interesting rock and (woe) a small pot of superglue. And, in a moment of brilliance, I seem to have somehow stuck my hand to my desk. I'm gently chisling it off with a CD, but already I have missed the sandwich trolly and am slowly missing my lunch break. I fear it could be a long week.

Friday, July 22, 2005

A sprouts not just for christmas.

A much underated veg, the brussel sprout. Ok, so when your granny used to serve them boiled to a mush they were rather unpleasant. And yes, they can make the kitchen smell like an old folks home and they do make you fart excessively. So we tend just to serve them once a year at christmas and feel we have consumed our quota. But this is doing the mighty sprout a huge disservice. So,my link of the moment is (tadaah) : sprout dishes for all occasions yes, 100 sprout recipies for you to delight in. The sprout souffle sounds like a must.

God I hate the Sun

Newspaper, not our local star.

Now, I accept that the sun is a fascist rag targeted at the 50% of our population with below average intelligence and I try to ignore it. But sometimes they go too far and I have to rage. The last time they provoked me was with their rubbishing of that fine son of Essex, Graham Gooch. But this time its more serious.

Over the last few days the sun has 'demanded' that the home secretary tear up the European bill of human rights and deport Muslims who exercise their right to free speech even if doing so will result in their being killed and also said that soldiers who allegedly kicked to death an innocent civilian should not face trial because (and I don’t quote but its about right) the soldiers were British and the civilian was a wog.

The government is bringing forward (some might say panic rushing) its anti-terrorist legislation which includes making incitement to commit acts of terror a crime. I was dubious about this legislation as it gets into the murky waters of banning free speech. But when you see Britons best selling national newspaper calling for the government to murder and turn a blind eye to murder. Well, bring it on. Anything that gags these Nazi bastards is good news. I only hope that the government implement the law retrospectively and the 'journalists' who came up with this evil and abhorrent rubbish are tried and locked away.

Of course, I'm assuming that murder of non-christians will be considered a terrorist act, that the law doesn't just apply to brown people and that being a national newspaper that supported Tony at the last election doesn’t put you above the law. Ever the optimist.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Whales: just wierd

The Evil Lord Merkin sent me an exploding whale link. Took me a while to decide if its funny, but it is.

See. Funny. I certainly wont be complaining about a bit of pigeon crap on my car in future. The best bit is at the end of the article, and I quote:
"More than 100 Tainan city residents, mostly men, have reportedly gone to see the corpse to 'experience' the size of its penis," the newspaper reported.
To experience a 5ft penis? Not with my piles.

Whales: Terrible news.

Its starting to sound like Japan may have bought enough non-whaling countries off that it can overturn the IWC ban on comercial whaling. Failing that, their going to walk out and go whaling anyway. This is terrible.
But hang on a bit. After all, not only do I regularly consume large comercially farmed mammal flesh in the form of cow, I am also not adverse to eating wild mammals from sustainable sources. Zebra, Hartebeast and Buffalo have all passed through my digestive system. So why not whale. Whilst the blue whale is still struggling many species, such as the grey whale, thrive. Indeed Minke whales are suceeding to the point where even some conservationists are suggesting a cull might be required to give other whale groups a fighting chance. So, why not have controlled whaling? Because, dick brain, WHALING IS WRONG. Simple as that. There is no reason for it being wrong (but I am not a reasonable man). it just is. Whaling. Wrong. End of debate. And since I firmly believe that citizens are in some part responsible for the actions of their goverment I intend to spend the rest of my summer prodding Japanese tourists with a pointy stick. I encourage all my right minded readers to do the same.

Another minor aside from the joy that is the fish news section of the practical fishkeeping magazine website. Overhunting of Hippo's has lead to a large decline in the ammount of hippo shit. This in turn if having a serious effect on fish populations. So, from now on I will steer well clear of the hippo counter at Sainsburies.

Hippo dung - the alarming truth

Whales: great news

After 400 years of absence they are going to attempt to reintroduce grey whales to British waters. Apparently the grey whale population of southern california is flourishing and 'experts' hope to ship a few over here to start a breeding group. Now the tiny bit of cynic in me questions how happy a whale will be at being forcibly relocated to the radioactive soup that is the Irish sea, but the rest of me cries WooooHooo. I think this is just fantastic. Sometimes we are a great species.
Full story here

As a minor aside the story has a follow on in the Fish News section of the practical fishkeeping website. Here we learn that a grey whale is 50% longer than a london double decker bus and weighs more than 51 Fiat Uno's. Ok Ed, first off whales aint fish. Second off, whilst london busses are a standard unit of measurement (although whether you need a double decker to measure length is debatable) Fiat bloody Uno's? Since when was weight measured in Fiat bloody uno's? Use mini's you damn fools.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

5 Things...

5 things I like...
Hobson's best bitter
Girls thighs
People who smile a lot
Sitting on a pebbly beach in the sun with people I like

5 things I dislike...
Cat owners
People who think they're right
depressing poetry

5 things I really don't care about...
Football(soccer to our friends)
your ex-boyfriend
big brother
if you can drink more than me
what wallpaper I have

Man's gotta have a hobby

Today I got accused of being an alcoholic. No, No, No. I'm a drunk. The difference is huge. An alcoholic drinks because they have to, a drunk drinks because they want to. I have very strict rules. No spirits. No alcohol before midday (unless there's rugby on). No drinking at home alone. I can actually go for long periods of time without a drink, provided I'm not bored. At the end of the day I enjoy sitting in a pub drinking a lot of weak beer. I'm good at it. Mans gotta have a hobby.
Some years ago I used to smoke. Every time I had a medical it was do you smoke - yes. gonna kill you. So I gave up. Now apparently, I drink to much, my colesterol is to high, I drink too much, I go out in the sun too often, don't exercise enough, blah blah blah. Not one "Well done for giving up the ciggies", just a whole lot of new things that are killing me. Not once was there a "your gonna live longer", just a whole new list of reasons to be depressed. I have no doubt that if I ate heathily, stopped going out in daylight and worked out I would live long enough to find that being to close to streetlights gives you cancer. There are people who just don't want you to be happy.

Monday, July 18, 2005

Revenge of the fish

Justice. :-)
fish link

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Beetle excess

There are over 300,000 species of beetle identified. Thats more than any other type of animal by a lot. More are being discovered every day. And I find myself asking why?
There are about 240 species of bumblebee world wide. The UK has 25 species (although several are nearing or may be extinct). Now, the bumblebee is a fine comedy insect and deserves to exist just to anoy those engineers who can prove mathmatically that it can't fly. But 240 different species. I mean, bumblebee. 1. and its done. move on. Then someone points out that there are over 300,000 species of Coleoptera. Now, I've nothing against beetles as such. But 300,000 species and you only do Rhino's in grey? No offence to our creator but that's just a bit anal.


I read an article last night on the deforestation happening in Brazil and boy did it annoy me. Not because I am pro deforestation, but because of its holier than thou attitude. In the course of becoming the fourth richest country on the planet we (the UK)pretty much destroyed all our ancient woodlands. And now we have achieved this position of wealth are we trying to replant our trees. No. We are subsidising our farmers to grow more food than we need and allowing them to render large areas of our countryside sterile with pesticides and herbicides. Our seas are overfished and polluted and many of our indigenous species are in serious decline. So before bemoaning the fate of the rainforest and pointing the finger at poorer countries lets put our own house in order.

What can you do? well join your local wildlife trust. As well as helping them to do great conservation work you get access to their reserves. Shropshire wildlife trust also offers lots of walks and events, especially stuff for children, and there are more talks on Badgers than you can shake a stick at (I have been to exactly none but I'm sure they are great). I expect the others offer similar stuff. For those of you who want to make a more physical contribution there are always tasks in the reserves for volenteers and all sorts of information on wildlife friendly gardening, building bug boxes and the like. Link is to the side. So go on, do your bit and join.

My Cactie are flowering. :-) Posted by Picasa

Monday, July 11, 2005

Diary- 10 July 2005

Dam. Left my firewall off by mistake and now my computer has MSRA. The main symptoms seem to be that my background has been replaced with a web page offering me spyware protection and my computer pops up a little message saying “warning you are infected with a virus” every 30 seconds. Yes, I know.

So this week I embarked upon a new diet plan. Initially this was to be as much fruit as I want during the day and a low calorie pre-packed salad at night. Unfortunately on Monday I popped into the crown for a post work drink with old Bob and the evil beer monkey spoke. Now, we have all suffered from the evil beer monkey. That invisible presence that sits on your shoulder and whispers in your ear: “more beer. Go on. Drink more beer”. Unfortunately, in the Crown the evil beer monkey has taken on human form and is otherwise known as Fella. So, I got drunk. Fortunately the Chinese is closed on Mondays. Unfortunately I got home and ate all five pre-packed salads. Still, despite this setback and a kebab incident on Wednesday I had lost quarter of a stone by Friday. However, I don’t diet at weekends so its back on again now.

On Saturday Austin, Stavros and Fulla came round to eat pizza, drink beer and watch the Lions get their arses kicked by the All Blacks for the last time. Then I pottered in the garden and slept in front of the telly. Off to Lynn and Johns for multiple birthday/anniversary celebrations in the evening. Much beer and singing and good times had. Returned on Sunday. More pizza, more sleep in front of the telly. Pub.

Looks like I have sold my house. Just waiting for a damp report on my potential new home but if that’s ok its all happening. Hooray. With luck I will soon be the proud owner of a cellar, wood burning stove and outside toilet.

Saturday, July 09, 2005

Cats are Vermin

Cats, You shouldn't have started me on cats. They're bloody vermin. Worse than rats. At least with rats if you poisen the fuckers you don't get some irritating six year old whining at you that you've killed her pet. Sorry love, if its a pet then you keep it in a cage or on a lead.
Nothing worse than whining cat owners. "They're free spirits", "they're independent", "they're really intelligent". bollocks. They are living shit factories that kill birds and fish and dig up bedding plants. Worse, they do it in my yard. If my dog came into your yard and started shitting, killing and wrecking the place you'd call me an irresponsible pet owner pretty sharpish. But with your cats it's fine. Sorry, no. Either they are pets and your responsibility & you keep them off my property or they are wild creatures and keeping them off my property is my responsibility. Hence the crossbow. Lets face it, if the bastards had half a brain they would stay out of my way. They are vermin scum and drownings too good for them.
Sorry about the swearing but cats really knack me off. One of the few good things about living between a railway line and a main road is that its caused some serious dents in the kitty population around here. heh heh.
And yes, Disco Mark, Your bloody cat did eat all the cheescake at my last barbie.

Friday, July 08, 2005

Rant: London 7-7

Before I begin, Thanks supreme beings all that none of mine were hurt. And thanks for the voices of support. The world of Blog is new to me and I am overwhelmed by its power and goodness. And, (at present and hopefully)as I said, none of the dead or injured were known to me and so perhaps I don't have the right to speak. Except. If they had been mine I would want heads on sticks. I would demand vengance. And so perhaps I don't have the right to speak, but perhaps my speak is better for that.

In the aftermath the big question is who? maybe the question should be why? Terrorists are not born, they are created. Nobody straps on a bomb and piles into a crowded bus for fun. So what have we done to provoke this hatred? unfortunately the list is extensive. The Arab/Israeli conflict is entirely of our (the wests) making, We took a peoples land and gave it to someone else because we could. As a small percentage of the worlds population we hold an enormous percentage of wealth and protect that position at all costs. Over the last half centuary we have persued forign policies that were unjust, self agrandising and just plain evil. In the playground there are two types of strong kids, the bullies, who take what they want, who prey on the weak and less fortunate, they do because they can. And the good guys, who protect the weak, who help the poor, they do because its right, and they are loved not hated. Boy did we get that one wrong.

And No. That does not justify 9-11 or 7-7. That does not make it right or defensible. But possibly it makes it understandable. A War on terror? well, its been going on a while and the world seems no better, no safer. But the body count grows. So perhaps a war on the causes of terror? G8 is almost forgotten but they agreed (all be it with more strings than pinochio) to write off third world debt. they agreed (all be it without a timetable) to massively increase third world aid. And George B (not often I praise that man) offered to end US agricultural export subsidies if Europe agrees to do the same. Small steps. But on the right road. There will always be evil men. Don't let us compete with them, but rather let us be the good guys. Then the evil mens support will fade and they will wither and die.

And no, If you lost a child yesterday thats no damned use. You need a head on a stick. Unfortunately that head will belong to someones child.

Cactus in a hat Posted by Picasa

Thursday, July 07, 2005

The boy Fulla and prince Albert

Having missed tuesday due to bad weather and fear of lightening strikes the boy Fulla and I decided to go cycling tonight. And it hurt, because I'm fat and old. But in our mid cycle break at the tiddlywink Mr F reminded me about last night. You See, on Wednesday I drink with the nice hair boys. And I tend to drink more than is wise. Especially for someone on an all fruit diet. So I forget. Well, He reminded me about the kebab. Which wasn't good. Well, actually it was great, but not part of the diet even if it comes with salad. More importantly, he reminded me about the prince Albert. The Boy fulla is raising money for charity. Yup, if we can raise £250 in sponsership and pay for the op then Fulla gets his knob pierced. Sponsorship forms are being printed this weekend.


Today the G8 summit started. And I hoped. On Saturday the world spoke with one voice, and it seemed our leaders and bankers were listening. And I really believed that history would be made, That the first small steps to making poverty history would be taken. That the world could and would become a better place.

And they bombed London.

And at least fortyfive are dead, and thousands injured. And its selfish and wrong but now I'm just hoping, none of my friends. No one I know.

Rant: Abortion?

Seems like a hot topic in many parts of the blog universe. I feel I should have an opinion, but as a fat middle age single bloke who’s not getting much at present its not really something I have given a lot of thought to. Hmm. Well, surprisingly for an old commie like me, I’m pretty much against. Children are gifts and there in lies our future. Killing is wrong. Yada yada yada. Mainly I’m very grateful that I will never have to make that decision. And that’s something I am passionate about. The right to make that decision. Every person (well, woman, unless there are some significant medical advances that I’ve not heard about) must have the right to choose.

Extreme scenario: 12 year old girl is raped. Turns out the child has major genetic defects and will be born damaged both physically and mentally and is unlikely to survive more than a few days. Further, due to her young age and the brutality of her impregnation the young girl faces serious risk if she attempts to carry the child to term. Of course that girl must have the right to abort if she chooses. Any person who insists she have the child is evil. Any god who condemns her is not worth worshiping.

And there in lies the heart of the issue. If there are cases where abortion must be allowed then who decides. And for me there is just one answer to that. Only the girl or woman whose child it is and whose body it is can make that choice. So anti abortion legislation is wrong. Hugely so. How much better that a woman can discuss the issue with family, with friends, with partners and spiritual advisers, safe in the knowledge that they are not conspiring to commit a crime. And, should she make the tough choice to have an abortion, how much better that she can do it safely, with the counselling and support she needs rather than being forced to some back street practitioner, being criminalised at a time when she most needs help.

Yes, maybe we need to reduce abortion. But legislation is not the way to achieve that. Maybe better sex education will help. Maybe contraception should be encouraged. But what if you guarantee every mother a home, sufficient funds to support her child, a society that will cherish and protect her and her child? What if you ensure that every child born regardless of race, colour or social position has enough to eat, free education and healthcare? Surely then far fewer women will feel they have to make the tough choice.

So, I say to all of you who expend so much time on your anti abortion campaigns. Refocus. We can make this world a better world. It’s a huge thing, but hell, we’ve walked on the moon. We are a species truly capable of greatness. Every child, enough to eat. Every child, free education and healthcare. We can do this thing. If we choose. In our lifetimes we can really do this. Us. Together. I believe.

God this fruit diet is screwing me up.

A happy place

Many thanks to those who’ve read. More to those who’ve commented. Its surprisingly rewarding to get a comment. I’m liking this little world of Blog. So even if you’ve nothing to say and choose to remain annonymous, attach a smiley :-) or a frownie :-( for me. And anyone who wants to link to me, do, please do. And if you want a link from me, just say.

I wanted this to be a happy blog. A diary for my fairly happy life. An outlet for my stranger thoughts. A place you can come and smile. On opportunity to seduce beautiful women and drink beer with friends. Possibly some stuff on cactie. But I read my fellow bloggers sites, with serious issues and opinions, and I am drawn in. I find there are things I need to say. Things I need to shout. So occasionally old man Rich must rant. I’m afraid there will be some less happy, more serious, shouts into the ether going out

But I’m definitely not recommending reading these entries. No way. The opinions expressed are seldom those of the author when sober.


Damn but I’m sounding weird and nonce like, even for me. I think the all fruit diet is doing strange things to my mind. Its certainly done something pretty peculiar to my bowels.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

And when Gordon wakes up....

Do you really want your finances in the hands of a fat cat? See. Even the good guys are puppets. Gordon Brown. just change the letters and shorten it a bit and you have Bagpuss. Well, Brown and Bagpuss both start with a B, and thats proof enough for me. Its rife. All major world leaders are in fact out of work childrens puppets. I mean - you try telling me that Jacques Chirac is not a Clanger.

But Tony loves you... Posted by Picasa

The puppet dictator double bluff

So, why did half of the USA vote for a moron? The puppet conspiracy explains it all. George - you see. Yes, half of America thought they were voting for a harmless pink hippo. Pro gay marriage and unlikely to start a treeless Vietnam. But no. It was the old puppet dictator double bluff. In fact they were voting for his irritating noisy yellow drunken sidekick. Yes, whilst Geoffrey now drives taxi's and Bungle makes gay animal porn, Zippy is in charge of the whitehouse. Be scared. Be very scared.

America - you forgot to zip his mouth Posted by Picasa

But who are the puppet masters?

We are ruled by puppets. No great revelation there you think, but I do not mean this in the political sense. No, we are literally governed by animated stuffed toys from childrens TV. I'm not normally big on conspiracy theories but it all became clear to me this afternoon. I was visiting Big Daddy Merk and contemplating the wombles role in global warming (significant, but for another day)when it struck me. Hartley Hare, fast talking, self adoring, incompetent tyranical rabbit. Tony Blair, ditto. Years ago Hartley was always on TV, but no sign of Tony. Then Hartley vanishes and Tony mysteriously appears on the scene. Even the names, Hartley Hare, Tony Blair. You see? And search the internet for pictures of the two of them together do you know how many you will find. None. Nada. Two major media players yet they never appear in public together. Finally, Just look at the post below. Seeing is believing. Number 10 is occupied by a stuffed Rabbit puppet. And this is just the tip of the iceberg. The truth cannot be hidden from old man rich. More world leader/puppet exposures coming soon...

An uncanny resemblance ? Posted by Picasa

Sunday, July 03, 2005

Diary - 3rd July 2005

So what happened this week? Apart from the usual Beer and junk food excess? Well, the diet is going well. I started at just over fourteen and a half stone and am now topping fifteen. Aaarg. The whole plan needs a major re-think. Was affectionately described as "a heart attack waiting to happen" - action is required. On the exercise front I went for a cycle out to the tiddlywink with the boy Fulla on Tuesday. It was my first time on a bike since the JOGLE fiasco ( Going out was fine, a pleasant 10 mile ramble followed by a couple of Hobsons at a very reasonable £1.65 a pint. The return was not so good, It chucked it down, there was much thunder and lightening and my legs turned to jelly half a mile short of the Crown. It was not a pretty sight as we staggered, sodden and bow legged in to the Bar. But did we get sympathy, did we bugger.

The house sale has not progressed at all, which is disappointing. However, the garden is coming good after a slow start so maybe someone will bite. Its on with www.nicktart at a very reasonable price if your interested.

Went to the lovely Debbie’s birthday on Friday. She had a couple of depressingly young and talented muso's performing. Still, the old college cronies were there which is always fun. I got good and drunk and passed out on the floor. Still seem to have managed to get lots of photo's of Debbies cleavage which is nice. Watched the first scooby-doo movie in the morning and really enjoyed it. (and not just for m/s Gellars cleavage, although that contributed).

So saturday was live8. Really I was only watching it for Pink Floyd (and to end world poverty of course). They were superb. The Who also excelled. Nice to see the old boys teaching the young ones a lesson or two. Also liked velvet revolver, scissor sisters & thought Madge was a class act. Have to confess that when Bob bought on the woman who had been one of the starving children in the Cars video I blubbed. Nice to know that my few quid twenty years ago was well spent.

The link of the week is is Run by the Evil lord Merkin. This is your chance to vent your spleen at the woeful front pages of the Tory tabloids. Hours of fun.

looking good. Posted by Picasa

Friday, July 01, 2005

Welcome to my world

So here is my blog. And a damn fine thing it is. Each week I shall attempt to update my diary to save people from the effort of stalking me. I will also put up odd photo’s and have the odd rant. Whatever takes my fancy really. Anyway, you can comment as you see fit but please try to keep the language clean.
There are also some links to other sites I deem of value and I will have an irregular ‘link of the week’. This weeks link is to my website, where you can read about my South America trip and look at photos. Its A bit self indulgent but hey – its my blog.