Monday, November 26, 2007

Sausage on a stick

On saturday Steve, Monkey & I went on a jolly to the medieval fayre at Ludlow castle. And there were sausages on sticks. Brilliant. No messing with buns. No onions or sauce decisions. Just meat. On a stick. And as its handed over we are warned. Be careful. Its hot and its on a sharp stick. So dutifully we all burnt ourselves and stabbed ouselves with the sticks. Fortunately a supply of medicinal ale was on hand.

There were also knights in armour being anti French and pounding the crapola out of each other. Which was good. And a selection of medieval music and singing. Which wasn't. There was also a giant bald Monk. Who scared Monkey.

So we returned to The crown for a post trip ale. Where, sad to say, I pretty much proved that I can no longer keep up with the youngsters. (or, rather, I can, but its a huge mistake).

Tolerance, No tolerance

So, Tony Henry (English) is singing the Croatian Anthem at Wembley prior to England’s drubbing. He mispronounced a word and so actually sung "My Dear, my penis is a mountain". Are The Croatians outraged? Are Embassies being torched? Are people rioting on the streets? No. Croat fan websites have been calling for Mr Henry to be given a medal of honour for helping the players relax, they also want him made an official team mascot for the tournament.

In Sudan an English Teacher asked children to vote for their favourite name for a class teddy bear. They chose Mohammad. Presumably this is because they are good Muslim children & you’d expect that god might be pleased. The Teacher was detained on Sunday on suspicion of insulting Islam's prophet. She faces 40 lashes or six months in jail. The school has been shut because they feared reprisals.

You couldn’t make it up.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Its your democratic right to be a Moron

I love the USA's gun laws. I firmly believe that every American, regardless of IQ should be allowed to carry a gun.

Of course, in the UK heathcare is free at the point of delivery so we really can't afford our idiots to tool up. So here's a little test to see if your clever enough to own a gun....

Can you spot the difference?

Friday, November 09, 2007

oooooooh saucey

I like sauce. Branston fruity on a bacon sarnie. Heinz catchup on a hot dog. On most things I buy economy. Its cheaper & there is no difference. But not on your sauce. On your sauce you pay and get it right.
So, the king of sauces? Well, food wise there's a huge list. Each meal has its best accompaniment. Each sauce in its place. But for sex? Well, aerosol cream has its charm. Its squirty and its fun. But if your someone who enjoys licking girls (and I maybe) Heinz salad cream. Oh yeah. Seriously, if your gonna be licking human flesh and you fancy that bit of extra - Heinz salad cream.

Beardy Weirdy Howard has very kindly just dropped off two hundred sachets of Heinz salad cream. Girls, form an orderly queue.....

Friday, November 02, 2007

So, thats the chrismas shopping sorted.

I'm giving everyone hideous diseases this year.

Thursday, November 01, 2007

Lamb Stew / facial hair

I have lamb stew for tea. Lamb is cheap at the moment. And scrag end is always cheap if you can get it. (Best end of neck to you posh people). And lamb stew in the slow cooker is the best. So, I have my stew. Enjoy sucking the spinal cord out from between the bones. And, of course, I drink the gravey. Then I go out to the greenhouse. And the fat in my mustache sets. I have this white lip of solid lard. And no amount of licking and sucking is gonna cure this. So I run my lip under the hot tap. And lo, fat is gone. And my lip is burnt.

Who says looking great is easy?