Friday, June 30, 2006

Mad Scientists? nah, just a bit crazy.

Down in sunny Kent they found the remains of an elephant kill from 400,000 years ago. Oldest evidence of hunting in Britain. Skull, tusks, stone tools, the whole shebang. So they carted off a few of the bones & built a roundabout on the site. Hmm.

The countdown for the next shuttle launch has started. Despite the fact that Nasa's top safety official and lead engineer both opposed the flight, considering the latest shuttle modifications insufficient & unsafe. Bet that’s given the crew an overwhelming feeling of confidence.

Apparently, if you’re a bloke with older brothers your more likely to be gay. Research shows that this only occurs if you share the same mother & it still occurs if your bought up separately. It’s a womb thing not a nurture thing. I look on my younger brother in a whole new light.

Scientists (presumably very bored scientists) didn’t understand how the Saharan desert ants return to their nest without following their outbound route. They knew they navigated by the sun but didn’t know how they measured distance. So (I love this) they attached stilts to some of the ants legs, and amputated parts of others prior to their return journey. The Ants on stilts overshot the nest & the amputated ants stopped short. However, When the ants started out from the nest with the 'modifications' they returned ok. So we learn that ants measure distance by counting their steps. I feel I can sleep soundly at night once more.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

expand the image - what do you see?

If you just see a bunch of blue black & yellow blobs you are dangerously sober.
If you see a bunch of multi coloured circles your well adjusted and probably boring.
If the edges of the image apear to expand and shrink your stressed.
If large parts of the image appear to rotate you are about to take an axe to a stranger.
If you see snakes you were given acid as a child.
If you see dolphins you probably still believe in santa.
If you see naked people your a lucky old pervert.
If you think that the war on iraq has been a huge success then seek profesional help.

Sunday, June 25, 2006

Hunt the Japanese.

Huge numbers of people around the world live in poverty. We desperately need to exploit any sustainable food source that we can. And there is one species that is hugely successful. Sustainable hunting would not only provide a valuable food source but also help alleviate population pressure on an over crowded planet. Human flesh is the new beef. It would be easy to develop a hand held explosive harpoon that would be a relatively ‘humane’ form of hunting. I mean the Norwegians probably don’t really feel pain as we understand it. So lets tool up & declare an open season on the Icelandic’s, Japanese and Norwegians. Its Long pig for lunch.


Sunday, June 18, 2006

So dont yell 'help, help, here come the bears'...

Finally I grew tired of the wookie jokes at work and invested in some hair clippers. So I have been entertaining the boys a the crown with a variety of 'looks'.

Garden update (for Cabij's dad)

The garden is not progressing well. To much time contemplating (often from a stool in the Crown) and not enough actual graft. The wildlife pond is looking ok.

The formal pond is not.

still, in amongst the destruction and mayhem there are a few nice flowers

Friday, June 16, 2006

Small steps, giant leaps

Even the most imbecilic anti-environment warmongering jerks have some good in them.
So here's a phrase I never thought you'd see on OMR's blog.
Good on you, George Bush.

Thursday, June 15, 2006


The Russians are going to build a floating nuclear power station. But don't worry, it will be 'unsinkable'.


Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Watching the wobble

I overslept this morning. So I was late for work. So late I used the car & damn the environment. Anyway, I'm in the lift and a young girl gets in. She's very pretty, quite short & has her blouse tastefully unbuttoned at the top. And I’m tall. And I can see straight down her top. Have to say that they were a good pair for a small girl. Suddenly I realise I'm staring. I glance up to see if the girl has noticed. She has. I'm suitably embarrassed. The lift stops & just before she gets out she leans in close & whispers 'your fly is undone'. Damn.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Cactie update

Due to more pressing jobs at Chez Rich, the Cactie have been neglected. Unfortunately I lost a lot to frost during the winter, but those that survived are thriving.

Monday, June 12, 2006

Left a good job in the city

Spent the weekend with Monkey, Austin, Fuller, Gray & Nick the hat canoeing down the river Wye. It didn’t get off to a good start. We put the idiots all in the same car. So Nick, Gray & I used a map & arrived at Hay on Wye on time. The cretins bogged up using sat nav & arrived an hour late. Finally we were off. Chin & I had a few early steering problems. We did seem to zig zag from one bank to another & spent a lot of time going backwards. Also, for some strange reason our canoe was somewhat lower in the water than the others & we kept grounding. Still, I felt the laughter and cries of ‘you fat B*****’ from the other members of the party were unnecessary.

After five miles we paused at a pub. With hindsight this was an error. The Chin tipped our canoe over trying to get back in. Fortunately I was still ashore. A few miles down stream and Nick & Gray tipped at speed. Oh how we laughed as we frantically collected beer tins before they floated off. Then we came to an evil bend, desperately trying to avoid being swept under a tree we ground our canoe on the rocks. It tipped. I put a foot out to stop it tipping. Fuller put his foot out & discovered that his end was still in deep water. In he went again. So Monkey and Austin came around the bend and laughed at us a lot. Until they were swept under the trees. Over they went. Monkey ended up hanging from a tree. Austin had a handful of sunken canoe and a handful of branch. The rescue operation took three-quarters of an hour & the boys were down to one paddle. After 18 miles we finally crawled into the camp site around 7pm. Knackered. There were fit girls in bikini’s and I was to tired to even look. We staggered off to the pub for some medicine.

Up early and on the water by 7. It was a lovely morning. I heard a cookoo for the first time and saw my first British kingfisher. The fish were jumping & the scenery was stunning. And we enjoyed watching monkey try to paddle with a plank. We arrived in Hereford in time to listen to England’s destruction by Australia in the rugby and sleep in the sun until our lifts arrive. It was a cracking weekend, but I’m feeling the pain this morning.

And yes, OMR was the only person not to end up in the water by mistake. See, not just a pretty face.

Monday, June 05, 2006

If I leave here tomorrow

I live in the middle of a housing estate. So You don't see too many chickens. But on Sunday morning a chicken walked into my yard, had a mosey around & wandered off again. And I found myself singing Lynyrd Skynyrds rock anthem for the rest of the day. Its a strange old world.

Friday, June 02, 2006

Moral Dilemas.

Bored at work? Try these moral dilemas.

1. Personally I do not feel obligated to save the violinist, since I was kidnapped. But I would. And if they had just asked nicely I probably would have done it anyway.

2 & 3. Would flip the switch. (all other factors being equal).
Would not push the fat bloke of the bridge. Cannot justify that. Just wouldn’t do it.

4. Not sure if I could kill Big Jack if he is a friend. Possibly with dynamite but if I had a small pick in my pack would I hack him out? I think not. Might not try too hard to stop the others doing it though. (so Im a bad person. whats new).

Other thoughts are:
I don't think the violinist question reflects the abortion issue unless the woman is a rape victim, as there was an element of choice & known potential consequences & you can't just walk away from an unwanted birth after 9 months with everyone happy...
I would not jump of a bridge to certain death to save 5 strangers, though I might take a 50/50 risk if I was drunk. So most days...
Would not be stupid enough to let the fat bloke be the first to try & get out of the cave. However, if I was in that situation I would take the four lengths of plastic tube from my pack, feed them up through Jacks digestive system & use him as a human snorkle until help arrives. Hell, I expect Jack usually pays good money for that sort of thing - the fat old pervert.