Saturday, August 26, 2006


Green toilets are wrong. Toilets, sinks and baths should be white.
As should fridges, washing machines and the like. That’s why they’re called white goods. See. WHITE goods.
Stereo’s & TV’s. Black. Anything else is wrong. Silver? NO. Black.
Computers? Grey of course. Black is just about acceptable.
Walls magnolia, ceilings white. Quite frankly they shouldn’t actually produce emulsion paint in any other colour. It just lets the tasteless idiots get it wrong.
Blokes dress shoes. Black. Brown shoes are evil. In fact any brown clothes are pretty much bad. (with the possible exception of really old crusty brown jumpers, which can be warn for gardening, and hiking boots which must be brown).

Friday, August 25, 2006

out with the old

The bathroom is a work in progress.

So now its 8.

In a surprise last day vote astronomers decided not to go with the new definition of a planet & throw Pluto out of the planet club. Since most of the astronomers had figured that the new definition was a done deal & 90% had gone home & so did not vote, the decision is proving controversial. One senior scientists described the decision as ludicrous and pointed out that under the current definition of a planet Earth, Neptune, Mars & Jupiter are not planets as they have not fully cleared their orbital zones. So maybe we just have 4 planets in the solar system & the thing we live on is just a big round rock that orbits the sun. Yup, the worlds leading astronomers met for 8 days to come up with a formal definition of a planet & made a complete bollocks of it. There’s a science budget well spent.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Wasp nest

So here's a picture of my wasps nest. I'm guessing they're tree wasps but I'm not sure. Its rather beautiful. Unfortunately its right by the public footpath so I had to inform the council. Hopefully they wont do anything, children will get horribly stung & the wasps will thrive.

There is no end of amazing stuff out there.

On the bad side, global warming will lead to an increase in bubonic plague. On the good side banning CFCs appears to have been a good idea and the hole in the ozone layer is not getting worse.

After much debate scientists have agreed on a formal definition of a planet. So, if its more or less spherical, orbits a star and is not itself a star it’s a planet. Yup, they need a major conference of academics to decide that those big round lumps that whiz around the sun are planets. They could have just asked a twelve year old. This means that jolly old Pluto is still a planet. Although it is a new class of planet known as, wait for it, a pluton. Our old friend Xena (2003 UB313) is also a pluton type planet. Strangely, Pluto’s moon Charon turns out not to be a moon, since it does not orbit Pluto, but rather it & Pluto orbit each other. So Charon is a pluton planet as well. And finally the asteroid Ceres, which was a planet when it was discovered in 1801, but stopped being a planet in the 19th century is now a planet again. But its still an asteroid as well. So although there has been no noticeable change in our solar system it now has 12 planets rather than 9. That’s cleared that up then.

The space boys have also got proof that there is dark matter out there. Its all to do with colliding galaxies maintaining most of their mass whilst losing their gas due to inertia. Its why you don’t lose weight when you fart. Maybe.

But best of all, a man in Poland who lost his tongue to cancer has had a new one created from his buttocks. Let me make it clear that if I should ever be unfortunate enough to need a new tongue I would like it made from Charlotte Church’s left butt cheek. Mmmmm.

Monday, August 21, 2006

stings and things

I got my dad to trim the hedge this weekend. And it had wasps nest in it. Ho Ho. So his hands swelled up and his face looked like the elephant man. When his eye started to close up I finally stopped laughing (more or less) & took him to the doctors. They pumped him full of steroids and put him on a course of antihistamine’s. Fortunately he was still allowed alcohol, so he didn’t get to cross.

Anna (his wife) cleaned my kitchen & together we all gutted the bathroom. Yup the avocado suite and 70’s pine cladding has gone. Steve A did the plumbing type stuff and we got the cast iron bath out with minimal amounts of swearing.

So the folks have gone home, the bathroom has gone and on Sunday afternoon I got good and drunk. Pretty successful weekend really.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Red means Go

Recent research indicates that girls with red hair are go-ers in the sack. And that girls who dye their hair red are looking for more in the way of horizontal boogie action. I don’t know how many of my lovely readers are redheads and bed-monsters (but do let me know) but I have noticed that my mate Cabij sometimes dyes her hair red. Seems you need to get hubby on the oysters girl. :-)

And Blokes with red hair? Your just ugly ginger freaks.

Interestingly, you don’t get many red haired sheep. But apparently you do get ugly ones. And Australian farmers are being to report in any ugly sheep. The Welsh farmers will continue to leave them for the ginger boys.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

There is always someone more stupid than you (and sometimes its me)

My car tax has run out. As has my MOT. I received no reminder from DVLA as I haven’t registered the car at my new address. And my driving licence still has my address from 8 years ago. All very illegal and in need of sorting. Fortunately I am insured. Unfortunately I cannot find my policy documents. So I nipped out to the car this morning, in just a towel, to check the glove box. The front door of the house slammed shut. Fortunately I had a key. Unfortunately it snapped off in the lock.

Fortunately the rear skylight of the lean-to (come conservatory, come utility room) was open. Now I have had many nicknames but ‘Rich the cat’ was never one of them. Still, I wobbled up a step ladder and prized my belly through the gap, losing the towel in the process & mooning my spotty bum at the world. Unfortunately below the window is the washing machine & tumble drier. On which rest a number of cacti.

So I guess I’m a prick with pricks in my prick. Not the best start to a day that I have ever had. Am I the most disorganised bloke on the planet? Hell No. Because at least I didn’t lose the film of the first moon landing!

Little update - I was screwing the skylight window back in when , on a whim I tried the lean-to door. And lo, it was unlocked. And probably has been for weeks. Doh.

Friday, August 11, 2006

Don't stop me now, I'm having such a good time, I'm having a bomb

The US & France still struggle to dot i's and cross t's on a UN resolution on the middle east. Apparently those pesky Lebanese keep objecting. Anyone would think it was their country. After 10 days still nothing has been agreed so Russia have proposed a 3 day truce top allow humanitarian aid. This has been described as an unhelpful distraction by the US. More unhelpful and distracting than being bombed?

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

I think Tony Blair is a ****

Tony Blair tells us that no 10 now uses energy efficient light bulbs.
Well done Tony.

So who cares that Public funding for energy research in the UK it is now one-tenth of what it used to be.
What matters it if the government has totally failed to meet its own targets to reduce greenhouse gas emissions.
Why worry that £12m is being cut from Natural England, the flagship conservation organisation, due to take over from the Countryside Agency in October.

Number 10 uses energy efficient light bulbs so the world is saved.

We should all be using energy efficient light bulbs as a given. For the PM to brag about it & somehow think he has green credentials just shows how much the man has lost the plot. Now if he banned the sale of, or massively taxed, non energy efficient electrical items then he might warrant a pat on the back. But ordering the staff to change the light bulbs, well its hardly the sort of brilliant leadership that will prevent global warming. Tony Blair. He got the bulbs changed & committed mass murder in the middle east. Not much of a legacy.

I never thought I could hate any politician more than I hated Maggie in her last term.
But the American toady, war criminal and all round incompetent lying ginger twat that is Tony ‘smug bastard’ Blair has proved me wrong. Time to go Tony. Time to go.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Money, money, money, Must be funny,

Ahh. For the first time in a while I was alone in my home last night. It was great. You really don't want details. Suffice to say there was nudity & frozen whelks.

On an entirely different subject I stumbled across the Forbes richest fictional characters list.

The Scarey thing is that, with the exception of Santa, Bill Gates is richer than them all. Truth is stranger than fiction

Sunday, August 06, 2006


Many thanks to all who came. Particularly Kiki for delivering the beer, Kiki, sandra and Sue for clearing up & Scottish Dougie for cooking. Its a bit hazy in my mind from about 2.30 onwards but I trust a good time was had by all. I totally failed to take pictures but Walt did.

we are sailing

The boats were a remarkable success. (mine would have stayed afloat if it wasnt for those pesky kids).

Saturday, August 05, 2006

brief interlude

Playing I spy in the Car.
Something begining with 'B'.
once you know its obvious...

Thursday, August 03, 2006

looking for adventure

Ok. Let us gloss over last nights landboat test. Suffice to say that Mattie and Emma met with a certain degree of sucess. And I didn't.

Today we went to the west Midlands Safari Park. And it was a great morning. We saw tigers chewing the antelopes that failed the medical, we were mugged by llamas and a giraffe put its head through the sun roof. Oh for a girl with a tongue like that. Unfortunately there was an afternoon, with rides. I took Gaz the dwarf with us so that at least I only had to accompany one child rather than doing each ride twice. And on the flying elephant ride Emma & I could only go half as high as anyone else. something to do with the weight. Oh just give me a fat sign why dont you.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Head out on the Highway

Ok. First the land boat update. We did the bath test. And, well, by any standards Emma's boat was terrible. I mean half her crew fell in and drowned, she had a terrible list to port and the slightest wave would have been a catastrophe. Unlike Matt and me, who's boats, erm. Well, sunk actually. But it just requires a few slight modifications. We retest tonight.

So today I was 41. And being a canny old uncle I kept the kiddies up until midnight las night to ensure a lie-in on my birthday. Hah. 6am & a rousing chorus of happy birthday. Oh deep joy. Still, they learnt some new words. Today we went to Blists Hill Museum which is a replica Victorian town. We saw iron casting, traction engines, assorted livestock and, as Mattie so charmingly put it 'A load of old stuff'.

Fortunately Granny came along to share the whole joyful experience. So here they are on the carousel. Granny looked less happy once it got going mind you.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

get your motor running

My nephew, neice & myself are building lego land boats to go search for treasure with. Tonight we test them in the bath. In the unlikely event that they survive, tomorrow we hit the pond. Obviously the superior model on the right is mine, The one in the middle with the huge crew is Emma's & Matt's is on the left with the giant yellow trident missile.

sweet child in time

Because what you really need to do with two young hyper devils is fill them with several pounds of free chocolate. Still, just 6 hours till bed time. (sobs)