Sunday, January 28, 2007

a bear of very little brain?

"Tigger is alright, really," said Piglet lazily.
"Of course he is" said Christopher Robin.
"Everybody is really," said Pooh. "That's what I think," said Pooh. "But I don't suppose I'm right," he said.
"Of course you are," said Christopher Robin.

Flash , ahh-ahhh, he'll save every one of us.

Its probably not a great idea to photocopy your head. Not actually dangerous unless you do it a lot, but not a recommended activity. So goes scientific opinion. So the worried mother who's 5 year old was photocopied at school & then complained that his eyes hurt is possibly just being a little neurotic. As any parent is allowed to be.

Still, as a youth I was frequently photocopying various body parts. The plan was to construct a cubist representation of myself in black and white A4. Unfortunately I was barred from the library before this artistic masterpiece was completed. However, I have just checked our photocopiers at work & there are no actual warning labels. And I have this small but uncomfortable cyst that’s recently formed in the corner of my right eyelid. So Xerox, if you want to settle out of court...

Its a Sin

So we have some new anti discrimination laws coming in. And its going to be against the law to discriminate against homosexual persons. No problem with that. Discrimination is pretty much wrong. (except occasionally against ginger people). But it gives the Catholic church a slight problem. See, they pretty much think that Sodomy is a sin. (not just boy on boy stuff either – so for all you who like a bit of heterosexual anal, your gonna burn). Ok, forgiveness is all. Thing is, the catholic church has a number of adoption agencies. These fine institutions deal with a small percentage of our adoptions but fairly large number of the ‘difficult to place’ children. And the Catholic church has some slight reservations about placing children with same sex couples. Now, I’m not usually a fan of the Papists, but I have a certain sympathy for them in this instance. Your doing good work, trying your damdest to help some children find a better life & your told that sorry, you can only carry on doing this if your prepared to go against your basic moral principles. It seems a bit harsh. In an ideal world of course it wouldn’t be an issue. Any right minded same sex couple would presumably disagree with the church’s views but, in a respecting other peoples beliefs & live and let live kind of way, simple go to one of the many other adoption agencies available. But you know that wont happen. Someone’s going to deliberately engage in a civil partnership & then go demanding a child from a Catholic adoption agency just to make a point. Probably a tabloid journalist.

Of course, you cannot put an ‘except when’ clause in an anti discrimination law. But where does it go next. Is it discrimination if the Church does not allow a practicing Satanist to become a priest? I’ve got no answer here except that if we had a few less laws & a bit more common sense it might be a better world.

Sunday, January 21, 2007

Fortunately, I have learned to sleep with clenched buttocks.

I have spent a very large percentage of the last three days on the toilet. I fear the seat mark on the back of my legs may now be permanent. So bad has it been that I only managed one pint on Friday night before returning to the comfort of my bathroom. Finally, on Saturday I fasted. I figure if nothing goes in, eventually things must stop coming out. And today I felt much better. And I’m in the office & feeling peckish. So I decide to risk something. Now, with hindsight it possible that a jar of pickled herring was not the wisest of choices with which to break my fast. My stomach is currently gurgling away like a dodgy boiler.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Eats, shoots and leaves

So Chuang Chuang is supposedly too fat for sex. Well, we've all been accused of that recently. But Trust me, just get em balanced on the beer belly & start em rockin. So, maybe its not old Chaung, perhaps Lin Hui is the Jade Goody of the panda world. (although at a mere 253 lbs probably not).

But the reason I link to this site is because of the last line. Panda Porn? I've been to some fairly specialised web sites in my time but panda porn is a new one for me.

The answer my friend...

Work is a little frantic at the moment.
(large lumps of brown stuff heading for spinning blades - you know how it is).
I have kindly been 'volunteered' to work this weekend. Which is ok, as it keeps me out of the pub and gives the January diet a fighting chance.
So no problem.

We are experiencing 60-70 mph winds.
I’m on the 9th floor of a 10 story building. And it sways. Not a lot. But enough to be unpleasant. I know its good that it moves, certainly it avoids it snapping, which would be bad. Still, it is a very strange feeling.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007


And with the morning comes the harsh light of reality.
I wake in my comfy chair.
and groan and clutch my head.

And tap my keyboard.
And Louis and Ella start up loud.
Summertime, and the living is easy. oh yeah.

And I have no idea why, but I'm still disgustingly happy.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

oh yeah baby

I've drunk enough. But for a welcome change not too much. And its 20 minutes to tomorrow. I'm in my big comefy chair. Naked ladies are dancing on my screen. And Louis Armstrong is strutting his stuff as loud as my PC will go.

My life is feeling pretty damn good right now.
be happy. Its hard work, but its sooooo good.
I love everyone.
But mainly the pretty girls amongst you.

Friday, January 12, 2007

Perform for me, don't represent me.

Ballerina Simone Clarke is a member of the BNP. Which is a deplorable, but entirely legal political party. And assorted people are calling on the English Ballet to dismiss her, or at least issue a statement distancing themselves from her political beliefs. Quite rightly, the English ballet have declined to comment. Your political leanings, be they Nazi BNP, Communist or even war starting Blairite scumbag, are, subject to the laws of the land, your own. Given that her partner is a Cuban of Chinese decent ms Clarke is apparently not racist. I suspect she is politically not the sharpest knife in the draw, bless her, but that is not a crime. So dance away Simone, and if you have secret dreams of gassing Jews that’s your affair.

Unfortunately the new European far right political group ‘Identity, tradition and sovereignty’ don’t particularly keep their dreams of gassing Jews secret. The party, includes French NF members Bruno Gollnisch (awaiting a verdict on holocaust denial charges) & Le Penn, Assorted Romanian anti Jew, anti gypsy members, Flemish Nationalists, the uber Nazi Austrian freedom party & Mussolini’s granddaughter (not that I’m suggesting that fascism is genetic, she just happens to be a fascist). This delightful collection of MEP’s has been joined by former UKIP member & (alleged) benefit fraudster Ashley Mote. UKIP (not known for their left wing tendencies) are apparently horrified & have called on Mr Mote to resign his seat.
Not often I agree with UKIP but Mr Mote you are a disgrace to this country & everything it stands for. Resign damn you. I do, of course, have no objections to you pursuing a career in dance.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Under my clothes I’m naked

I got home from work yesterday evening, had a shower in my new & lovely shower, put on some trousers, mooched about a bit. Decided to go to the pub. So I put on my big coat & set off. 'Its cold out' I thought after about 100 yards. I put on my woolly hat. Still chilly though. Shows I must have the heating on too high at home because I had been wandering around the house with no top on.


Checks under coat.

Goes home to finish dressing.

Monday, January 08, 2007

I want to shoo-oo-oo-oot the whole day down.

Just when it can’t get any worse. I just poured a cup of tea into my lap. So now I have lightly scalded knackers. And I’m wearing pale grey trousers, so It looks like I have a giant piss stain on my groin.

Oh joy.

I don't like mondays

On Friday I was pretty much snowed under at work. My fortnight of procrastination finally caught up. I really needed to work late. I fully intended to work late. Working late was the plan. But around 4pm there was this little voice started that started calling me . “Rich, Rich, help meee, please Rich, I need you to help meee”. I looked around the office, clearly no one else could here this voice. So I climbed under my desk, because talking to invisible voices is considered strange, where as hiding from your boss under your desk is fairly standard office practice. “please Rich, you must help meee” the voice continued. Since it wasn’t the usual voice, the one that says “kill them, kill them all Rich. Kill them all and do it now” I decided to respond. “who are you?” I asked. “I am a pint of Hobsons, trapped in a barrel at the Crown Rich. I need to be drunk in order to for fill my purpose in life. Only you are worthy Rich. Please help meee. Please come to the pub and drink meee”.

Well what can you do. I drunk several pints, just to be sure I got the right one.

This morning I got in late. There are 20 urgent emails in my inbox & apparently my boss is in Telford today. So I’m back under my desk. And the ‘other’ voice is starting to convince me…

Friday, January 05, 2007


Wednesday, January 03, 2007

splish splash splosh

I just cant stop scratching. I suspect I may be allergic to my shower gel. Of course, I am too mean to throw it out and buy something different. But its driving me nuts. Or maybe I just have nits. I mean , how can you tell? Of course, if the red marks, scabs and sores are not a product of my constant scratching, but are in fact a symptom, then it may well be bubonic plague.

On a more pleasant note I spent half an hour at daybreak this morning in the yard watching about a dozen sparrows washing in my pond. Damn they looked like they were having a good time. I was tempted to join them. I think the Romans had it right with the whole communal bathing thing. We all need someone to scrub our back. And share our hideous rash.

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Happy New Year

So, on new years day I largely failed to make it out of bed. On reflection, starting drinking at noon on new years eve was a mistake. I have to accept that I can no longer consume the quantity of alcohol that I did in my youth. Still I clearly remember singing auld lang syne. Unfortunately that was at four in the afternoon as we were ejected from the Crown. So a few of the beautiful people popped back to Chez Rich for a much needed (?) between drinks drink. And at seven we returned to the Crown. Its not a good sign when your staggering on the way in. The evening is more than a little hazy, but I have this vague and horrible recollection that I was wearing a blond wig an a dress at some point.