Friday, January 27, 2006

I have superpowers

Hah. I am godlike. I have superpowers. It appears that all these years my alcohol intake has been supressing my amazing abilities. But 4 weeks dry and I am ready to become a super-villan. And my amazing super power is... the ability to fuck up electrical items. Yup. Hard drive went at work (so no blogging). Hard drive went at home (goodby 80 gig of porn). 7 light bulbs in a week. The car alarm (which I didn't know I had) has gone off every night this week. The fuse box trips every time I switch on the sterio. My CD player now plays pictures from one part of the CD and sound from a totally different part. Coincidence? I think not.
So tonight I shall embark on my evil plan to bring the developed world to its knees.
Except. Its been 4 weeks without a beer. I have lost no weight & been completely miserable. Perhapse I shall just get drunk.

So, world domination or alcoholic oblivion? votes please.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Jodrell Bank

No, its not rhyming slang. Every Tuesday I drive up to Cheadle through the lovely countryside around Alderly Edge. And I pass this baby. This is the Lovell telescope, built between 1952 and 1957 she remains the worlds second largest fully steerable radio telescope. And its beautiful. Not just as an incredible piece of architecture as it towers above the trees. But as a symbol of mankind's greatness. This will never pay for its self. This wasn't done for profit. It was done for knowledge, and because we could. As well as collecting data on stars this telescope is used to monitor space for signs of life. And get this, on 16 November 1974 the Arecibo radio telescope in Puerto Rico transmitted a radio message to the M13 globular cluster in the constellation of Hercules. It will take 25,000 years to get there, and another 25,000 to get a reply. And lesser men might say why bother. Those incapable of looking past the next election might question its worth. Thank god there are still men of vision.

Sometimes I get depressed about the state of our planet. The most powerful man in the world refuses to do anything about global warming. Amphibians will go to the wall unless someone coughs up half a billion and no one wants to pay. We produce more food than we can consume and a short flight away people starve. There are less sparrows than there were when I was young. But on Tuesdays I drive past the magnificent radio telescope at Jodrell bank. And I smile. Because I realise what we are capable of. I know the bacteria brained monkey president of the USA, the career polititians, the bean counters and buck makers don't really matter. They wont stop our visionaries. The great and the good can, and will, turn our planet around. Hope comes in all shapes and sizes. And on Tuesdays, for me, its a giant steel dish.

Saturday, January 14, 2006

Stem Cell research

Despite the fact that it now appears that the Koreans cannot clone people I still have big hopes for Stem Cell research. Cures for Altzhiemers & Parkinsons disease, organ regeneration, correction of genetic defects. With so many possibilities it must be hard for scientists to decide what research to persue. But I have to admit that in my wildest dreams I never thought that the development of fluorescent Green Pigs would be high on anyones priority list.

Sometimes I wonder if I am the only sane person left.

((6+2)*2*2*2)*(6+4+6+4)*4*2 =??

Well, I'm not going to work it out, oh no. I mean its probably around 500 so I will just go ahead and have Austin order 500 breeze blocks.
Only, when they turn up it looks rather a lot. And they can't get the lorry through the gates so they have to unload at the end of the drive, trapping the car, which I need on sunday. So I have spent a fun day shifting 500 breeze blocks. And tommorrow I have 4 tonnes of gravel to move. oh Joy.

Friday, January 13, 2006

I know nothing....

I now have an amazing four different managers to report to. Jumping through their selected management hoops and dealing with their combined idiocy actually leaves me worryingly little time to do my job. Or play solitaire.
So I have a new rule. I never, never answer my phone with my name. Just 'Hello?' in my most non descript voice. depending on what the person at the other end says and wether I recognise the voice I then choose from...
(i) He's in a meeting right now, can I take a message.
(ii) please leave your message after the tone...beeeep
(iii) Hello? hello? Damn this phone.
(iv) Have you not got the (pick appropriate piece of idiocy) yet? damn, there seems to be a problem with the email.
(v) Hi, I'm glad you've called. Have you seen (invent name)'s memo on (invent subject). This could really sting us, I think we need to get an impact out before close of play. Can you do it or should I pick it up. (invariably me). No worries, I'll get right on it. Hang up and disconnect phone before they remember why they rang.

For real life visitors, in my younger days I also once made good use of..
Shouts down phone "Pregnant???" . Slams down phone, Says excuse me to the man that I've never seen before and who is walking purposefully towards my desk in a frighteningly sharp suit that screams 'sales team' and runs from the office. Quick phone call to HR to say I'm off sick for the day to cover my tracks.
but I'm not convinced this will work a second time.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006


Apparently this is mucus. Well mine does not look like that. Mine is flourecent green slime with grey green lumps. But what is impressive is the quantity my body is currently producing. I must have snotted out about three gallons at work this morning before they suggested I worked from home for the rest of the day. Of course, its the lack of alcohol in my diet. My immune system has clearly said sod this, and gone to stay with Charlie K until I stop mistreating my body. And who can blame it, being sober is pretty miserable. Still, just 18 days to go...
I also seem to have a wisdom tooth coming through. I'm 40 for christ sake. Where were you 20 years ago when I made my life choices? But oh, no. Happy to leave me with just my dumb teeth for advice. But now, now when my life if firmly in a comfortable rut that no smart tooth is going to move me from, this huge lump of tooth is boring agonisingly through my gum, swelling my face, and preventing me chewing or closing my mouth. And it took me a very uncomfortable moment to figure where the blood in my phlem was coming from. OK, life begins at 40, but I was hoping for just the good bits.

Saturday, January 07, 2006

Chez Rich

The gardening starts tommorrow. So here are a few 'Before' pictures of Chez Rich...

Front garden. New Porch By Austin & Austin, builders to the elite.

Wildlife area to be

East from the Party room door

North from the Kitchen door

The vegtable plot


Kylie's bottom. Not sure how this got uploaded but it seemed a shame to delete it.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Happy New Year

Christmas on a beach in Gambia was very nice. Beer, Sun, Food. Lots of food. I would go again if it wasn't for the flight, 5 1/2 hours in a short haul (29" legroom) plane was too painful.
And, the locals were stunning, dark, slim and muscular. The Tourists were pale, flabby, bite covered embarrassment's to the human race. And I am firmly in that second category. So back on the diet. And this time its no Beer for a month. Four days in and I'm already fed up. If I don't reach my target of 14 stone I may go on a killing rampage.

Still, I got a copy of the Guinness book of world records for Christmas. Not had one since I was a kid & its great. For instance, did you know that the larva of the polyphemus moth of north America eats 86000 times its own birth weight in its first 56 days? The equivalent of a 7lb baby eating 273 tonnes!

Spent New year at my house. Excellent party, and an easy trip home. I have to confess that I contributed nothing but the venue & some booze - thanks to those who made it happen, those who came and partied, those who cleared up & those who went home & threw up on their dog!

Merk and Walts photos are here:
Merks Pics
Walt's pics

Since I have just spent 2 hours trying to get my pictures on to flickr and failing miserably you wont get to see them. But as they appear to have been taken by a drunk your not missing much. Ok, Ok, here's one...

Off to the Crown to drink orange juice. Yum Yum (sobs).