Friday, January 30, 2009

Do I need HRT ?

So, the young lady I am seeing is 'petite'. To say the least. More than a foot shorter than me. Considerably less than half my weight. A size 6. Needless to say, when I stand next to her I look like some huge shambling ogre. But, since when I stand away from her I look like some huge shambling ogre thats fine.
But I'm in a hotel in Milton Keynes & trying to oggle the women. And now they all look massive. This is not good. Then I realise that I'm actually quite enjoying the pint of John Smiths thats the nearest thing to Beer the hotel serve.

I Urgently require a night of real ale and internet porn. Fortunately its friday....

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Dateing Update

Apparently I'm a bit too lippy when I kiss.
Absolutely no idea what that means!
On the plus side apparently my ears arn't big in proportion to my head. Hmm.
She also questioned the attractiveness of my vast collection of checked lumberjack shirts. Has She no taste? (well, no, she's dateing me).

Still, she does have a remarkably cute bottom.

Friday, January 09, 2009

man flue? no - I'm ill. Honest.

Lots of blogs today. I'm off work ill. No, really. I'm actually wasting perfectly good sick leave being sick.
On Saturday I went up the wrekin with Monkey. It was lovely up there. The hill broke through the fog so it was in bright sunshine. The fog hid everything below, just a white sea across to the malverns, long mynd & assorted other high places who's names I should know. Then on the way down I slipped on the ice. Somehow my stick (hand carved by pygmies in darkest Zaire) ended up under me. Fortunately it snapped, rather than my spine, but I gave my shoulder (the good one) a bit of a knock. And so I chose to lay there for a while. Assorted old people offered to help me up & monkey laughed.
Sunday I was fine. Had a date Sunday. More on that in future blogs (but its going good). Then on Monday I couldn't stand. My back was knackered & all my joints ached. Sickie. Tuesday the back was better, but the joint pain was worse. & I was sweating and shivering. Then the throat went. Damn it, Tonsillitis. Been off all week. To be honest, I probably could/should have gone in today. It still feels like I'm swallowing razors but everything else is fine. I'm sure I'll make it to the pub tonight.
Normally I give up beer for a month in order to detox & lose weight after Christmas. But the Tonsillitis has caused me to sweat off half a stone & radio 4's today program told me that detox was a myth. Who am I to argue.?

First stones and all that

Now, I'm not a big fan of the Israeli's. I have a certain sympathy for the Arabs who suddenly found their homeland given away. But not enough sympathy to think it justifies tying explosives to your children & putting them on buses. Lets share the blame, there is plenty to go around.

But today apparently a British minister condemned Israels latest military incursion into Gaza. Now lets get this straight. On the basis that Iraq might be developing weapons which may, one day, possibly be used against us we invaded their country. (According to the Times, via google), this resulted in over 150,000 civilian casualties. Israel are actually having rockets fired at them, they have caused (according to the BBC today) an estimated two hundred and something civilian casualties. And were condemning them. Just a hint of double standards do you think.?

Now I want a ceasefire in Gaza. I want everyone to be friends. big up to world peace. (its a hangover from my time as a telly tubby). But even the Americans are staying fairly neutral on this one. Until we are prepared to send Tony to the Hague I suggest we shut up & let the less morally bankrupt do the talking.

Christmas at chez rich

yeah, sorry. But due to the brief(ish) pause in my inane rambling there is going to be some retrospective blogging. The timeline may get a little confused. Consider yourself in irregular orbit around a black hole, wandering back and forth across the event horizon. Or not as the case may be.
So earlier in the year my Pa and his good lady Anna were staying. And we had a few medicinal beers. And the subject of Christmas came up. "why not have Christmas at chez rich" says I. "I can cook Christmas diner, Phil, Sue & the child devils can come up, It will be great". At this point let me make it clear, I have no intention of this actually happening. Its a really bad idea. Someone will point this out. Someone will stop this dead in its tracks. Alas & alack. Never, I repeat never, make assumptions about the intelligence of others. Ok, maybe my family are not dumb. Maybe they just hate me. But, against all odds they decided that Christmas at chez rich was a good idea. Oh you pitiful fools.

Well, it was great to see them come, and great to see them go, it was just the bit in the middle...

Actually, lets be honest, I loved it. The kids were great (well, as children massively high on santa induced adrenalin overload can be) and monkeys dad gave me a spare telly so I could banish them & their new Wii to the party room. Anna did most of the cooking & I took all of the glory. My Bro spent an entire day tring to construct a lego batmobile & failed miserably (ho ho ho). Once again I bought my sister in law underwear & once again she refused to model it for me.

I bought the kids ukelele's, mainly to accelerate my brothers hair loss. And I gave Matt a jar of pickled sprouts, which he somehow forgot to take with him. No worries, they keep, I can give them to him again next year.

Thursday, January 08, 2009

happy new year

It was -5C. allegedly. A night for thermals. Unless your stupid. Several fools met at chez rich where Monkey made mulled wine that was, quite frankly, moose urine. And bad moose urine at that.
Then , because were all party people deep down (or do I mean retards) - we donned fancy dress...

I elected to go as a green telly tubby.....

Now on the the minus side, there is no convenient way of going to the toilet - not smart on a night which, in all likelyhood, will involve an ale or two. On the plus side, I'm gonna pull. I mean look at me. I'm so cute. Even I fancy me! ok. Maybe not. Lets place bets.

So what venue did we select for our evenings festivities? somewhere different, somewhere trendy? Dont be an arse - we went to the crown of course. And there was a certain amount of beering. There is a rumour that I may have danced. Fortunately I mastered the art of telly tubby peepee & did not have to use the emergency scissors in my man bag to create a fly. more luck, my camera batteries died shortly after we arrived. Unfortunately other peoples did not. Apparently there are piccies online. I dont know where however, so we are spared the gorey details.

Anyway damn fine time was had by all. At least, all that mattered. i.e. me. And remember that little bet we had? yup. OMR pulled. by Golly. OMR is dating !!! more about that in future blogs. possibly.

Saturday, January 03, 2009

zztt zztzzts - my god, its alive...

Apologies one and all. Because I work in IT I have this compelling & completely misguided belief that I can dismantle my PC, rebuild it & it will still work. So, after a fun weekend with a screwdriver - no PC. And, since I can't blog at work at the moment, no blog.
But at Christmas I treated myself to a shiney new PC & now I'm back. And the plan is that I won't bugger about with this one.
Except that there are a few bits from the previous computer that I'm sure I can plumb in. So it already resembles a partially decomposed octopus sprawled across my desk.
Still, it will be fun whilst it lasts...