The big Ten
I just happened across the 10 commandments . I have to say that 1 to 4 are crap. A god who demands my worship with threats isn’t a god I’m gonna worship. Cant complain about five through nine. And 10? Sorry, but I’m only human and some of my friends have very pretty wives, oxen, etc. I covet big time. Anyway, I score a miserable 4/10.
ONE: 'You shall have no other gods before Me.'
I’m a C of E agnostic with a soft spot for Buddhism, Hinduism and certain pagan fertility rituals.
TWO: 'You shall not make for yourself a carved image--any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.'
Well, I‘ve not made any. Bought a few though.
THREE: 'You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain.'
Oops.
FOUR: 'Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.'
But the TV is crap and they pay double time…
FIVE: 'Honour your father and your mother.'
Sure, as long as the whelks keep coming.
SIX: 'You shall not murder.'
I’m pretty much ok on this, except I frequently blow money that probably could be used by charities to save lives and I guess that living in a democracy I have to take some of the blame for our governments foreign policy.
SEVEN: 'You shall not commit adultery.'
Well, I have never been married. And 50% is a pass, right?.
EIGHT: 'You shall not steal.'
Apart from some childhood sweet stealing I’m good on this. Unless it includes buying cheap stuff that may well have been acquired illegally or tax avoidance.
NINE: 'You shall not bear false witness against your neighbour.'
Ok. Never done this.
TEN: 'You shall not covet your neighbour’s house; you shall not covet your neighbour’s wife, nor his male servant, nor his female servant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbour’s.'
Lets face it, I’m gonna burn.
So, with my deification surely imminent I think I ought to come up with a new set of commandments. I’m open to suggestions…
ONE: 'You shall have no other gods before Me.'
I’m a C of E agnostic with a soft spot for Buddhism, Hinduism and certain pagan fertility rituals.
TWO: 'You shall not make for yourself a carved image--any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.'
Well, I‘ve not made any. Bought a few though.
THREE: 'You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain.'
Oops.
FOUR: 'Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.'
But the TV is crap and they pay double time…
FIVE: 'Honour your father and your mother.'
Sure, as long as the whelks keep coming.
SIX: 'You shall not murder.'
I’m pretty much ok on this, except I frequently blow money that probably could be used by charities to save lives and I guess that living in a democracy I have to take some of the blame for our governments foreign policy.
SEVEN: 'You shall not commit adultery.'
Well, I have never been married. And 50% is a pass, right?.
EIGHT: 'You shall not steal.'
Apart from some childhood sweet stealing I’m good on this. Unless it includes buying cheap stuff that may well have been acquired illegally or tax avoidance.
NINE: 'You shall not bear false witness against your neighbour.'
Ok. Never done this.
TEN: 'You shall not covet your neighbour’s house; you shall not covet your neighbour’s wife, nor his male servant, nor his female servant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbour’s.'
Lets face it, I’m gonna burn.
So, with my deification surely imminent I think I ought to come up with a new set of commandments. I’m open to suggestions…
posted by Old Man Rich at 11:42 AM
5 Comments:
'You shall not finish off the toilet roll and not replace it'
I misread 10, so I was wondering why anyone would convert their neighbours house. But I guess anthing is possible so how about "You shall not do building work, including but not limited to installing double glazing, loft conversions and internal tileing, on properties that are not yours without permision of the owners" ?
There is a lot of interesting web stuff on the 10, for instance that the 4th one was complicite with the idea of slavery as work still got done but by non-Jewish slaves.
And there are more than 10! God gives more orders to moses including the use of silver and gold to make images of him and the need to make scarcifices to him on alters made of earth or stone. He then goes on to rant about the Sabbath.
THEN! Moses broke the first tablet with them on so he has to go back and get them again and loe, they have changed into the REAL 10 commandments:
1. "For thou shalt worship no other god: for the LORD, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God:" (Exodus 34:14)
2. "Thou shalt make thee no molten gods." (Exodus 34:17)
3. "The feast of unleavened bread shalt thou keep. Seven days thou shalt eat unleavened bread, as I commanded thee, in the time of the month Abib: for in the month Abib thou camest out from Egypt." (Exodus 34:18)
4a. "All that openeth the matrix is mine; and every firstling among thy cattle, whether ox or sheep, that is male." (Exodus 34:19)
4b. "But the firstling of an ass thou shalt redeem with a lamb: and if thou redeem him not, then shalt thou break his neck. All the firstborn of thy sons thou shalt redeem. And none shall appear before me empty." (Exodus 34:20)
5. "Six days thou shalt work, but on the seventh day thou shalt rest: in earing time and in harvest thou shalt rest." (Exodus 34:21)
6. "And thou shalt observe the feast of weeks, of the firstfruits of wheat harvest, and the feast of ingathering at the year's end." (Exodus 34:22)
7. "Thrice in the year shall all your menchildren appear before the LORD God, the God of Israel." (Exodus 34:23)
8. "Thou shalt not offer the blood of my sacrifice with leaven; neither shall the sacrifice of the feast of the passover be left unto the morning." (Exodus 34:25)
9. "The first of the firstfruits of thy land thou shalt bring unto the house of the LORD thy God." (Exodus 34:26)
10. "Thou shalt not seethe a kid in his mother's milk." (Exodus 34:26)
So there you have it, the real 10 commandments and nowt to do with killing which seems is perfectly fine.
11. Thou shalt not except a date to put out just b/c you paid for dinner with dessert AND a bottle wine.
12. Keep holy the toilet as it is your friend in good times and bad. Do not besmurch it's glory with shaggy seat covers
Thoughts?
M
M, I detest furry toilet seat covers. They are instruments of the devil. Definitely on the list.
Post a Comment
<< Home