Old Man Rich

B.O.

2009-02-07T09:04:00.003Z

Now on the whole I am pleased that ol' B.O. got in. Better than the last guy, right? I mean, chance of credible forign policy, not in the hands of big business, IQ over 4. So it goes on.
Except.
He wants to get a dog for his children. And he wants a mutt. But he's having trouble finding the right mutt. See, old George wouldnt have problems. He'd go out & get that dog. And if that means waterboarding a few animal hospice staff, and maybe invading a forign country or two where they may be hiding dogs, so be it.
Come on B.O., take a lead on the dog issue (geddit?).

Do I need HRT ?

2009-01-30T14:51:00.003Z

So, the young lady I am seeing is 'petite'. To say the least. More than a foot shorter than me. Considerably less than half my weight. A size 6. Needless to say, when I stand next to her I look like some huge shambling ogre. But, since when I stand away from her I look like some huge shambling ogre thats fine.
But I'm in a hotel in Milton Keynes & trying to oggle the women. And now they all look massive. This is not good. Then I realise that I'm actually quite enjoying the pint of John Smiths thats the nearest thing to Beer the hotel serve.

I Urgently require a night of real ale and internet porn. Fortunately its friday....

Dateing Update

2009-01-20T11:39:00.002Z

Apparently I'm a bit too lippy when I kiss.
Absolutely no idea what that means!
On the plus side apparently my ears arn't big in proportion to my head. Hmm.
She also questioned the attractiveness of my vast collection of checked lumberjack shirts. Has She no taste? (well, no, she's dateing me).

Still, she does have a remarkably cute bottom.

man flue? no - I'm ill. Honest.

2009-01-09T12:54:00.003Z

Lots of blogs today. I'm off work ill. No, really. I'm actually wasting perfectly good sick leave being sick.
On Saturday I went up the wrekin with Monkey. It was lovely up there. The hill broke through the fog so it was in bright sunshine. The fog hid everything below, just a white sea across to the malverns, long mynd & assorted other high places who's names I should know. Then on the way down I slipped on the ice. Somehow my stick (hand carved by pygmies in darkest Zaire) ended up under me. Fortunately it snapped, rather than my spine, but I gave my shoulder (the good one) a bit of a knock. And so I chose to lay there for a while. Assorted old people offered to help me up & monkey laughed.
Sunday I was fine. Had a date Sunday. More on that in future blogs (but its going good). Then on Monday I couldn't stand. My back was knackered & all my joints ached. Sickie. Tuesday the back was better, but the joint pain was worse. & I was sweating and shivering. Then the throat went. Damn it, Tonsillitis. Been off all week. To be honest, I probably could/should have gone in today. It still feels like I'm swallowing razors but everything else is fine. I'm sure I'll make it to the pub tonight.
Normally I give up beer for a month in order to detox & lose weight after Christmas. But the Tonsillitis has caused me to sweat off half a stone & radio 4's today program told me that detox was a myth. Who am I to argue.?

First stones and all that

2009-01-09T12:38:00.002Z

Now, I'm not a big fan of the Israeli's. I have a certain sympathy for the Arabs who suddenly found their homeland given away. But not enough sympathy to think it justifies tying explosives to your children & putting them on buses. Lets share the blame, there is plenty to go around.

But today apparently a British minister condemned Israels latest military incursion into Gaza. Now lets get this straight. On the basis that Iraq might be developing weapons which may, one day, possibly be used against us we invaded their country. (According to the Times, via google), this resulted in over 150,000 civilian casualties. Israel are actually having rockets fired at them, they have caused (according to the BBC today) an estimated two hundred and something civilian casualties. And were condemning them. Just a hint of double standards do you think.?

Now I want a ceasefire in Gaza. I want everyone to be friends. big up to world peace. (its a hangover from my time as a telly tubby). But even the Americans are staying fairly neutral on this one. Until we are prepared to send Tony to the Hague I suggest we shut up & let the less morally bankrupt do the talking.

Christmas at chez rich

2009-01-09T11:54:00.003Z

yeah, sorry. But due to the brief(ish) pause in my inane rambling there is going to be some retrospective blogging. The timeline may get a little confused. Consider yourself in irregular orbit around a black hole, wandering back and forth across the event horizon. Or not as the case may be.

So earlier in the year my Pa and his good lady Anna were staying. And we had a few medicinal beers. And the subject of Christmas came up. "why not have Christmas at chez rich" says I. "I can cook Christmas diner, Phil, Sue & the child devils can come up, It will be great". At this point let me make it clear, I have no intention of this actually happening. Its a really bad idea. Someone will point this out. Someone will stop this dead in its tracks. Alas & alack. Never, I repeat never, make assumptions about the intelligence of others. Ok, maybe my family are not dumb. Maybe they just hate me. But, against all odds they decided that Christmas at chez rich was a good idea. Oh you pitiful fools.

Well, it was great to see them come, and great to see them go, it was just the bit in the middle...

Actually, lets be honest, I loved it. The kids were great (well, as children massively high on santa induced adrenalin overload can be) and monkeys dad gave me a spare telly so I could banish them & their new Wii to the party room. Anna did most of the cooking & I took all of the glory. My Bro spent an entire day tring to construct a lego batmobile & failed miserably (ho ho ho). Once again I bought my sister in law underwear & once again she refused to model it for me.

I bought the kids ukelele's, mainly to accelerate my brothers hair loss. And I gave Matt a jar of pickled sprouts, which he somehow forgot to take with him. No worries, they keep, I can give them to him again next year.

happy new year

2009-01-08T19:56:00.004Z

It was -5C. allegedly. A night for thermals. Unless your stupid. Several fools met at chez rich where Monkey made mulled wine that was, quite frankly, moose urine. And bad moose urine at that.
Then , because were all party people deep down (or do I mean retards) - we donned fancy dress...

I elected to go as a green telly tubby.....

Now on the the minus side, there is no convenient way of going to the toilet - not smart on a night which, in all likelyhood, will involve an ale or two. On the plus side, I'm gonna pull. I mean look at me. I'm so cute. Even I fancy me! ok. Maybe not. Lets place bets.

So what venue did we select for our evenings festivities? somewhere different, somewhere trendy? Dont be an arse - we went to the crown of course. And there was a certain amount of beering. There is a rumour that I may have danced. Fortunately I mastered the art of telly tubby peepee & did not have to use the emergency scissors in my man bag to create a fly. more luck, my camera batteries died shortly after we arrived. Unfortunately other peoples did not. Apparently there are piccies online. I dont know where however, so we are spared the gorey details.

Anyway damn fine time was had by all. At least, all that mattered. i.e. me. And remember that little bet we had? yup. OMR pulled. by Golly. OMR is dating !!! more about that in future blogs. possibly.

http://www.crown.oakengates.net/2009/01/new-years-eve-pics/

zztt zztzzts - my god, its alive...

2009-01-03T10:13:00.002Z

Apologies one and all. Because I work in IT I have this compelling & completely misguided belief that I can dismantle my PC, rebuild it & it will still work. So, after a fun weekend with a screwdriver - no PC. And, since I can't blog at work at the moment, no blog.
But at Christmas I treated myself to a shiney new PC & now I'm back. And the plan is that I won't bugger about with this one.
Except that there are a few bits from the previous computer that I'm sure I can plumb in. So it already resembles a partially decomposed octopus sprawled across my desk.
Still, it will be fun whilst it lasts...

Just drinking beer & watching the world pass by

2008-07-28T11:40:00.000+01:00

So I’m sitting in a pub in Newcastle. Looking out of the window, which overlooks a pedestrian crossing. And three little girls dressed as cheerleaders turn up and wait to cross. I guess they are five or six, full red cheerleaders outfits including tinsel pompoms. Disgustingly cute. And then a fire engine comes along, and although the lights are green it stops & the driver waves the children across. But the crossing still shows the red man. And one little girl clearly thinks they should cross. An one little girl isn’t crossing until the man goes green, And the third little girl is clearly just thinking wow, there’s a fire engine, and is waving at the firemen. Who are laughing and waving back. Fortunately, the man turns green & the three girls hold hands & cross the road. And when they get across a fireman leans out and says something, I cant hear what, but the girls are giggling & waving & the fire engine beeps its horn & drives off, all the firemen waving.

Ten minute later two very attractive young women approach the crossing. Late teens, early twenties, visually pleasing. One is wearing a long white skirt. A gust of wind lifts her skirt and I get a pleasant flash of tanned thighs and white thong. And somehow her skirt gets caught in her earring. So she’s screaming and flashing her knickers to the world whilst her friend is creased up with laughter.

Sometimes life is just good.

it could be worse

2008-07-13T14:40:00.002+01:00

Two Massive Days for English Cricket on Friday & Saturday, With England amassing a glorious 593 dec & South Africa forced to follow on.
And today (Sunday) I should be in Glorious sun kissed Lords with my Bro & Pa. Unfortunately I have to work & so my Nephew has my ticket.

Still, although I am less than grutled, Its is some small recompense that today SA are 88 without loss and, in possibly one of the most boring mornings cricket ever seen in averaging under 2 an over.

bad luck Mattie....

34FF – Blimey!

2008-07-09T10:57:00.000+01:00

I have a couple of bat boxes in my garden. And a huge supply of midges. But no sign of any Bats wanting to come and live at chez Rich.
But now I learn that Bats want something a little more comfy ...
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/norfolk/7496923.stm

Dink & James

2008-07-01T11:50:00.003+01:00

Dink & James got washed up on the british coast this winter. They are a couple of young loggerhead turtles, not designed to function in the sort of temperatures you get in British waters. Remarkably, they got fixed up & packed off on a one way trip to Gran Canaria & released back into the wild.

Ok Ok, so its probably not cost effective conservation & Dink & James will probably choke to death on a plastic bag soon but still, nice.

Date for the Diary

2008-06-29T11:58:00.002+01:00

Hah, blogs are like busses, none for ages then two turn up at once.

Anyway , Just a reminder that the anual festival of burnt meat takes place at chez Rich on Sat 9th August, kicking off about 2 ish. Should you find yourself wandering aimlessly in the Telford area about then do drop in.

As you can see I am finally getting round to restoring my links. And by a masterpiece of cutting and pasting it appears that your either in there twice or not at all. Hmm. This is simple incompetence & not a measure of my love for you.

dumty-dumpty-dah-dah-dumpty (recognise the tune?)

2008-06-29T11:16:00.002+01:00

Hello.
Seems like ages since I blogged.
Because it is.
Work is actually making me earn my living at the moment and that, alongside my alcohol consumption commitments at the crown, leaves precious little time for blogging.

Still, I'm here now. And have just liberated 2 packets of Nerds from the mystical sweetie pile at work. Anyway, I had fun making red and yellow asteriod fields across my desk & then hoovering them up through a biro tube. And I am now experiencing a serious suger rush. There are also lots of little red & yellow marks across the printed outputs I'm supposed to be checking. ho hum.

And on the subject of nothing much in particular, yesterday I ate an entire pineapple. And I find my self wondering how many pineapples you need to fill one of those little bottles of pineapple juice.

sunshiney day

2008-06-09T14:54:00.002+01:00

yesterday I was clearing what will eventually be my vegtable patch and I spent too long in the sun, or got stung by too many nettles. Either way I came over all peculiar in the evening. It was a strange and unpleasant feeling.

but today I am well. Weller than usual for a monday since I didnt go a drinking sunday night.
and I poped home lunchtime to mow my lawn.
A multitude of frogs were sitting on rocks around pond 2 sunning themselves. And one was actually sitting on a lilly leaf in a rather cliched fashion.
Anyway, I decided the pond needed topping up and put the hose on. And I must have broken the surface tension or something because the lilly leaf slowly sunk. And the frog just sat there, going down with his ship. Now its dificult to read frogs expresions but I think mildly disgruntled is about right.

the sound of breaking glass

2008-06-01T11:15:00.002+01:00

Its a lovely day and I'm mowing the lawn.
And there is a stone.
which fires out at huge speed, narrowly missing my leg.
Well guess I was lucky, hey?
actually, no. Because they fix legs on the NHS.
Unlike hugely expensive patio windows.

Some serious sulking followed.

zzzzzzz...Pink.

2008-05-28T11:57:00.002+01:00

So I'm lying in the Bath. Listening to the wind howl. And there's this buzzing sound.
bzzzz
like a load of bees.
It gets louder.
Then there's this 'pink' sound.
and again.
Then the room is filled with disturbing shadows. And the ceiling lamp contains half a dozen wasps, disturbingly magnified by the glass.
Hmm, wet and naked, electricity and wasps? What shall I do?
common sence prevails & I leg it.
This moring the lamp is full of dead wasps & little fried wasp boddies plug the hole into the ceiling. I decide to leave well alone and shower in the fairy princess room.

So at the weekend it appears I need to remove a wasps nest from my loft space. You just know thats going to turn out well.

These boots were made...

2008-05-28T11:48:00.002+01:00

...for holding large quantities of water apparently.
On Saturday Myself & Monkey set of to walk the long Mynd.
I slapped on the sun cream, squeezed my belly over the wasteband of my shorts an prepared for a pleasant stroll across the sun kissed moor. I should have been suspicious when Monkey turned up in full waterproofs, gloves and a wooly hat. It blew a gale & pissed down.
Despite this the walk across the bottom & up ashes hollow was fairly pleasant, if a little damp. But on the top it was grim. My cagaul ceased to be waterproof. My boots filled with water. My legs turned a very strange shade of pink.
Then the map turned to pulp. And some how we got turned around and couldnt find Carding mill valley. Eventually we came down the road. Safe to say I was not a happy camper.
Still a dozen pints of hobsons and last place in the Crown pub quiz put me in a better frame of mind.

Ring of Fire

2008-05-06T16:22:00.001+01:00

After a long and glorious bank holiday I find myself on Monday evening with an empty fridge. In fact, the only thing in the house is a small can of chillies bought over from Mexico by a friend of my dads.
So, its chillies for tea.
Eat one chilli.
And they are red hot. Real killers. I need bread. Or anything. But the cupboard is bare.
Except, there are some out of date weetabix. Ok, dried weetabix is a bit like eating sawdust but desperate times call for desperate measures. So, one hideous dried breakfast snack later and the crying stops & my tongue returns to a semblance of normal.
I wont be dumb enough to do that again.
Except that there are about 10 chilli’s in the tin an it would be a shame to waste them.
By chilli number 4 the weetabix are finished.
On number six I attempt to ease the pain by spreading toothpaste on my tongue. It doesn’t help. Finally I am in considerable trouble and resort to licking the carpet, but the tin is finished.

And at 8 am on Tuesday, in a cubical at Sandbach services I'm experiencing a full Johnny Cash moment

And it burns, burns, burns….

Hooray for spring

2008-04-27T11:41:00.002+01:00

Its spring. And eveything grows apace at chez rich. Well, I say everything. Nettles mainly. Being away means the yard has been a bit negleted. My seedlings in the greenhouse are just not growing. I'm not sure why. I can't think that my presence makes that much difference. But just in case I spent an hour in the greenhouse yesterday cheering them on. I even made a little growing song...

grow. grow, grow up big and stong,
grow, grow, it shouldnt take this long,
grow, grow, grow up nice and tall,
grow you little F***ers or I will compost you all.

Ok, its not shakespeare, but a suitable combination of encouragement & threat I felt. Lets hope they get the message. Something has eaten my runner bean and marrow seedlings. All of them. I dont think its slugs as I pellet heavily. I know, I know, and outside I am organic. But in the greenhouses I pellet & spray. So if its not slugs I'm thinking mice. So I am going to get a humane trap. But, working away all week means that its not exactly that humane. Still, I'm sure that mice can go for days without food & water... or is that camels? God, I hope I've not got camels in the greenhouse.

I also created a swamp area in the wildlife area for some water Iris and marsh marigolds and thinned the vegitation in the wildlife pond. The pond is heaving with tadpoles at the moment so should have a good crop of frogs to thin the slug population a bit. And there are a few bumble bees buzzing lazily between the primroses. I saw my first butterfly of the year and the blackbirds are decidedly frisky. Yes, its spring and its good.

Too tall to shave

2008-04-27T11:21:00.002+01:00

Hotel living is taking its toll. I split my work trousers last week. It appears the only vagely smart trousers I can still get into are my funeral suite or my pimp trousers. And the latter, which I'm wearing to work, are a little snug. I have to undo the top button to sit & the site of a pretty girl in a short skirt bending left me singing like a choir boy for several days.

Still they keep giving me huge suites at the hotel. But last weeks was disabled friendly. So the sink is two foot from the floor. Which is doubtless great if your in a wheelchair. But if your 6'2" you have to kneel to shave. And I have bad knees, so I'm growing a beard. On the plus side, there was a seat in the shower.

big room

2008-04-15T08:43:00.000+01:00

I’m working away. And I have the biggest hotel room ever. Two king sized double beds, 3 wardrobes, a settee and still its sparsely furnished. I so wish I had bought a set of bowls.
Big hotel room.
Big, Big, biggest hotel room.
16 meters from door to balcony.
As you can probably tell, I am sadly excited by this fact. It rather demonstrates the sad depths to which my non life has fallen.

I’m a lumberjack

2008-03-25T08:16:00.001Z

I have mastered the wood burner. It makes some peculiar noises and causes some radiators to shake violently (and sometimes get warm) but it goes. It consumes wood at a huge rate but keeps the house lovely and toasty.

It also means I get to split logs with my new axe. Very manly. I have a checked shirt and eat squirrels. Ok, I don’t eat squirrels but I do ‘dress in women’s clothes’ on occasion.

So, I’m throwing logs into the fire and spraying around lighter fuel with gay abandon. And I set fire to my jumper. Which I sensibly remove. In some haste. Without removing my glasses. Which snap. The only spare pair I can find are shades. Very dark shades.

So, I’m walking to work. Not to be healthy. Not to save the environment. But because I can’t see. Oh joy.

OMR 0 – Wood-burner 1

2008-03-19T09:39:00.001Z

The heating at chez rich is a little temperamental. And once again it has decided not to heat upstairs. However, the downstairs radiators compensate by glowing a dull red & the warmth percolates up. Sort of. And not in the fairy princess room as its above the party room. Which has no radiator. So its freezing in there & I have the folks coming to stay at Easter.

However, whilst lacking in heating in the modern sense, the party room does have a big black cast iron wood burner. With a back-boiler that supplements the heating. It has stood unused for two years. But firing it up will, surely, heat up the place & might even kick the heating back into life.

So, I pile in the kindling & newspaper and a few logs, open the vents and lob in a match. The amount of smoke is truly impressive. It billows out, fills the party room, rolls into the hall & up the stairs. Everywhere is filled with smoke, except by the looks of it, the wood-burner chimney.

So I run round opening windows & shutting doors. And throw a damp tea towel on the fire. Which simply makes things worse. So I shut the wood-burner doors, close the vents and let it die a smouldering death.

So, the house is not just cold any more. No, now its cold and stinks of smoke.

As an interesting footnote. Whilst clearing out the wood-burner I discover a strange lever around the back that, yup, opens and closes the chimney flue. Well, you live and learn. I feel a rematch coming on.

There is just something very funny about the word anus...

2008-03-18T11:50:00.001Z

A German pensioner is suing a hospital after she checked in for an operation on her leg - and woke up to find she had been given a new anus.